god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
