Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
