Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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