it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize