I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
