im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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