weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
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