i already hear my dad disowning me
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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