i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Randomize
