I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
