Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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