I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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