my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
