I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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