I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
