I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
