Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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