did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Randomize
