yo everyone went to the hospital last night
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
