my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
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