you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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