Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
