your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
4 words: hood of his car
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
