After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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