the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
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