i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
