R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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