Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize
