I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
