On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
