just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
