Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
