Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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