So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
