dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
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