He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
