what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize