she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
