Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
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