I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
