Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
