I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
