Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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