i need an iv and a liver transplant
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
