Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
