Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I have aggressive nipples.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
