Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
