I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Randomize
