I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
We were destined to go to rehab together
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
