I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
