alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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