I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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