quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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