you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
