I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize