Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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