You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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