Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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