1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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