dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
